I used to count the days I'd been here... does a place become your home once you quit making notches in a tree, or markings on the wall? I have no idea how many days it's been. I suppose i could go back and count... I know I have survived over a year-- and for that I am very proud and happy :)

So it was brought to my attention-- some of my writings on here. So curiosity often begets curiosity-- and so I wanted to come and see for myself. So I began to read. I read all the way back to the beginning. Shocking, startling, revealing.... I look at the days ahead of moving here-- I was so unsure... but excited.

So much was destroyed before I came here... I was down to nothing. Illinois was my shred of hope, my shred of hope for a new start- a new life- a new reason for purpose and living. In Ohio, I had none. It had all be taken away.

And though life was hard-- and still is sometimes-- this land truly has been the "land of healing" for me... I was right to think that it would be. All those horrible memories have faded-- till they are so translucent.. that I barely notice them anymore... rarely think of them... never thought I'd see the day :) and it feels good.

haha. I have a boyfriend. That alone is surprising to me- that I would agree to that. I was so adamantly against such things... but this has been, and especially lately, such a spot of happiness in my life! And yet again, that surprises me. I had never associated the two things together. I have liked boys before, dated before.... but been given happiness by the one I dated? not till now. And I wonder where my brain was before-- why did I not connect that that is so necessary in a relatoinship? Was it because there really wasn't a "relatoinship" there with all the others? Yes, I was the trophy girlfriend for them... but it's kinda startling to realize how much of that I really was. I don't remember laughter on end... or my face smiling so much that it was getting tired of holding that position... no... I remember not of it with the others...

... heh.... and everyone else sees it too. They say I "glow". Interesting. I look in the mirror, but I look the same to me- yes I look happy... but didn't I always? But I know it must be true- for people stop me in the hallway- people I've told nothing to... and ask... ask why my eyes sparkle and why is my smile so big....

on another note-- I live alone now. And though I am thankful for my old roomate- because I would not have ever been able to live in IL without having one... there is something about living on your own. Coming home- and this home is yours. It is so much more restful. Sometimes I just revel in how happy it makes me.

School-- well school is better and harder this year. I am no longer the "new" teacher... but I still have a lot to learn... and my kids remind me that each day.

I work a lot more than I did last year-- never could I have managed to work this much last year... but I teach every day after school except on Wed. and Fri. ... some weeks i hate it- and other weeks I wish I was teaching the entire time I was awake.

I so love my job! Would I repeat all of the past on here just to get to this spot in my life? if that was the only way to get here-- then yes.... but I thank God that we never have to repeat our pasts because I don't want to face those dark days again.

So yes, I'm not sure what "day" it is of being here... frankly, I don't care. I am happy and content in my life- paying my bills every month is more of a habit anymore. Going to the store to buy my own groceries, now is something I look forward to a lot... and my veranda that I used to look to for solace... I hardly ever have time to go out on anymore-- I'm so focused on living my life anymore.... and I smile, because it wasn't so long ago that I wasn't living.... 2 Mays ago... it was an effort to breathe... I only wished to live, because I knew it was wrong to take my own life... and probably because I was scared to take it too ... and yet God has brought me so far... and given me so much. I don't know what the future chapters and books in my life will hold-- but I will always look back on this portion in my life-- and know that God has given me so much that I don't deserve... He has blessed me very much- but this time with things I can see and that I understand as good. and sometimes I just have to sigh and pause and shake my head... and thank God because I don't understand why sometimes He chooses to literally "destroy" in our understanding- our lives... and then turn right around, and rebuild it- and make it far more beautiful than we ever envisioned.

so it's offical. the fireman, the boy, whatever you wish to refer to him as-- has now become the boyfriend. It's gonna take a bit of time to digest- seeing as I didn't even know he had feelings for me a month ago....

... but I think I'll enjoy figuring it out.

Friends are a strange commodity. Like relationships in general, you can't always "choose" them. I set out during spring break in search of finding some new friends. I wanted to make lasting friendships, solid, stable rocks that I could be there for, and enjoy the luxury of having them be there for me when I needed them. But though my plan was victorious in one instance, it failed in two others. And I could only sit and ask myself... what went wrong? And though maybe I'm not sure, I've learned several things.

1. You cannot force yourself upon people.
- No matter how much it seems that this person would be a good fit, they have to choose you as a friend as well.

2. Appearances are deceiving.
- Just because someone looks "quiet" or "nice"... really means nothing. Just because it seems that they would be a good fit- doesn't mean that they will be.

3. Friendships should be taken slowly.
- For several reasons: because of #2, while you are finding out about these "friends", you may find that this really isn't a good idea... and rather than jump in with two feet, maybe one should have been used instead, so that you can easily get out. Also, this "friend" needs to choose you as well... and they might need time to decide that they want you as a friend as well- or that they like your company.

4. Good friends are hard to find.
- Looking through my past, I realized that all of the good quality people that i consider close friends- were merely people that weeded themselves out and when the shifting times came and all the hard times came - they rose to the top like cream. Some of them, were found in the most obscure places- and many of them I hadn't even "planned" on having as friends...

So though I continue on down my path and hope to make some new friends... I know some of it, and actually a sizable slice, is not up to me. Friendship is a two-way path and a choice that has to be made by both parties. And not only is it a choice- but it is a daily decision-- it is very close to love. Because, I think to truly be a friend to someone, you do have to love them to a small degree.

Life throws such funny curve balls at you....


.......Just when life is going peachy... and you reach the surface and catch your breath, you get shoved back underneath its shadowy depths.

Love.... Something I'd thought I sealed myself away from. I thought if I locked myself away that I would be unbreakable and untouchable. I thought I could then never feel pain and hurt.

but maybe I was wrong. Because a life without love... is a life of pain and hurt. But to embrace it, is to escape the pain and woes of life- and to dance in the sunlight instead.